"I Don't Want to!"
Have you ever said those words?   Do you say them a lot?
 Some other forms of this statement are:
 “I don’t feel like it”
 “I’m not up to it!”
 “Ugh, not again!”
 “Why do I have to keep doing this?”
 “I’m so over this!”
 “I’m too tired!”
 
This morning in my quiet time, I was asking God why I didn’t have the motivation to do certain things for my business that I knew I needed to do.
 I know that those things are really helping others, so that should be motivation enough right?  Well, I kept telling myself I needed to do them, but then “I don’t want to!” would somehow sneak out!
 
 It sounds like a petulant child! But it had become such a common thing to say that I didn’t even notice when I was saying it!
 
 So as Abba showed me what was really happening when I would say those 4 small words, I started getting convicted of the side effects showing up in my life.
 
 I had been wondering why I never wanted to go to fun events, it was much easier to just stay home and relax.
 I would stay silent in group discussions, it was much easier to stay quiet and not be noticed.
 I would hope that people would reach out to me, but I wouldn’t reach out to them, because it was just easier to wait until they needed me.
 I didn’t ever want to exercise, or take walks, it was just easier to sit on the couch.
 
 So the emotions that came with all of that were loneliness, feeling invisible or unimportant, isolation, left behind, missing out, and rejection.
 
Our words are so much more important than we realize! Death and life are in the power of the tongue.  Our tongues are creative forces that build up or tear down!  Since I was continuously negating any desire to do anything by saying, “I don’t want to!” I had put extreme limits on my purpose and destiny.  Because the person I was created to be was getting shot down with words of passivity, laziness, and heaviness, I then was not motivated to do what I was called to do!
 
 So my words for today are, “I excitedly pursue everything Abba has for me today and I find JOY in His plans for me, because He pursued me first!”
 

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1 Comment

  1. You're so right Eileen. Inadvertently I've been using these same words myself. Thank you and the Lord for this revelation and the release you've found. I'm getting into this

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I help people find healing, even if they think their wounds are too deep!

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I thought I was a horrible person...

 
Everything made me so angry inside and I couldn’t stop the screaming rages. I could hear myself say, “Just STOP!” in the middle of a fit, but I was helpless to shut my mouth. I felt like I was watching a different person react, but it was me! After a day of raging I would lay in bed hearing, “You should just shoot yourself, you’re ruining your children,” over and over in my head.

My children were afraid of me, one was cutting, one kept running away. I knew it was my fault, but I couldn’t seem to admit it. I couldn’t handle anymore guilt.


Everything seemed to cause stress, nothing was peaceful, the smallest thing would send me to my room to hide. The asthma I had since I was a little girl, that was so horrible I felt like my lungs were going to explode, was magnified by the stress and rages.

When I knew it couldn’t handle any more, it got worse. I started having miscarriages, I became allergic to everything, I was always wheezing, I had constant headaches, and all I had the energy to do was sleep.

I was sure my situation just needed more prayer, so I prayed and prayed, went to counseling, went through deliverance, but I only ended up feeling even more guilt, because I wasn’t getting better.
Then one day I began to see a connection…. when I’d eat or smell certain things I would lose control afterwards. I noticed a pattern between stressful situations and being too tired to leave my bed. I finally saw that I had been living with severe adrenal fatigue for most of my motherhood. I also realized that I had been deeply wounded by things in my childhood that I didn't even remember clearly.
It was a journey of trial and error, learning exactly what had been poisoning my body and mind every day, but gradually I discovered tools and strategies that helped me make huge strides in calming the drama in my home and heart. I learned to overcome the wounds and trauma, I learned to shut down the lies.
As my adrenals healed and my heart healed from past trauma, the suicide, depression, and asthma disappeared, and energy came back. I didn’t feel trapped inside a rampaging maniac, I felt peaceful for the first time!

I wake up now content about the day to come. I’m not worried that I’ll ruin someone’s life today! In fact, I spend my days helping others find freedom, healing, and JOY!

You are not alone, and you don’t have to feel trapped by your past, by lies you've believed, or even by physical issues like adrenal fatigue! There is a simple path to peace. If you are ready to begin, contact me!
 

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